Loss and How I Have Learned to Manage

Everyone deals with loss. You could be dealing with the loss of a loved one or pet, the loss of a job, the loss of a favorite product when it is discontinued, the loss of a friendship after an argument, the loss of a friendly face when a neighbor moves or a co-worker moves on to a new job, and so on. Loss is a very personal manner and is unique to each person. The loss of a pet may be very traumatic to a person. But, to someone else, maybe someone who does not like animals, the loss may not be considered to be life changing. I think we need to be respectful of others and their emotions regarding loss. When I worked as a nurse I don’t think that people fully understood why I was so affected by the losses I experienced. I don’t expect someone who hasn’t had my experiences to understand, but I think we need to be respectful of others’ feelings and emotions when it comes to loss.

During my experience as a nurse I suffered many losses in my professional life. It came with the territory of the type of patients I worked with. I still think very fondly of particular patients I took care of who have since passed away. I can remember bringing one patient in a danish. He had terrible ulcers in his mouth and that was all he wanted to eat and it took him about 30 minutes to finish it but he did! Another patient I spoke to at length about what he considered his “failed” legacy. He owned car dealerships and none of his children wanted to take them over for him. They had all decided to take different career paths. We talked about how although they didn’t take over his business, the legacy of his children who were intelligent, kind, generous and raising their children to be the same was his real legacy. Another patient I took care of was in a lot of pain in her final days. Despite her pain, she always smiled and said thank you. The staff was becoming increasingly frustrated that we could not help her be comfortable and I think she knew that. I remember going in to her room one day to give her pain medication that I didn’t think would help her very much. She grabbed my hand and pulled me close to her. She looked me right in the eyes and said “I trust you”. She knew we were trying everything we could. I could go on, but I won’t.

Very quickly I had to learn how to deal with these losses. One way I did this was to play my radio really loud on the way home from work. I mean loud enough that the bass made my car shake. Sometimes I would sing so loud that my voice would be hoarse when I got home. There were tears as I sat in my driveway before going into my house. I would talk to my co-workers. They understood. Sometimes we didn’t say anything, just hugged each other. To this day, when I see someone eating a danish I think fondly of the determined look on my patient’s face as he ate that pastry. I often drive by the car dealership that my patient once owned and I smile thinking about the conversation we had. When I’m being hard on myself for one thing or another I remember that I was trusted to care for that patient in the last days of her life.

Part of the reason I am writing this blog is because it is the anniversary of a personal loss for myself. Blaring my radio, crying in my driveway and speaking to my co-workers doesn’t help me deal with this loss. Once in a while we needed to be reminded by someone wiser than us to take a moment and take some time to ourselves. You need to deal with loss, whatever the type of loss it is. You may deal with each loss differently and that is ok. I am going to take a moment today to plant some flowers under a tree we planted in honor of this person and to write this blog. Planting flowers and writing this blog is a way for me to deal with my loss and to take a moment to myself to honor this loss and how I am feeling.